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Joan Knows: Big sporting events ahead

Published: Thursday, Jan. 30, 2014 4:58 p.m. CDT

Very soon now we’ll join the millions who will be turning eyes toward Sochi and the Olympics.

Regrettably, there are serious threats, which will cause some to change travel plans.

Coverage of security measures may take time away from the color and pageantry of the events. The games might have been scheduled for Chicago (how safe can you get?), but it was not to be.

Yet, there may be an opportunity at hand. Offer an alternative competition right here in the Fox Valley!  At such a late date, it may not be possible to replicate some of the traditional events. So, you might want to join the movement by suggesting some alternatives.

 Ideas so far include pothole slalom, black ice speed skating, trash can bobsled, snow ball rolle bolle, and – the crowd-pleasers – public urination relays and legislator’s snow ball fights.

 Another item on the, “She has too much spare time” list would be a way to capitalize on the ongoing plague of cruise ships and outbreaks of dysentery.

Before disinfecting, offer a complimentary cruise to a select group. 

Prospective passengers might include obnoxious parents at athletic events, handicapped parking violators, offshore customer service people and folks who leave their dogs out in the cold.

Phyllis Diller, perhaps Roseanne, once said that the stove in her kitchen was used to display her plants. That being the case (skinny spouse likes his crock pot especially for road kill) do as I say, not as I do.

 Find a way to recognize, praise and thank those who are out in the cold, making our lives better. How about cupcakes?  Cookies? Or just a note of thanks? Consider the road crews, police and firemen? The guys who get up early to make the coffee at Dunkin’ Donuts?

Here’s a note in print to our postman, Tom, who lives up to the traditional motto about weather not deterring service.

High fives to the school administrators who made a timely and sensible decision to close the schools.  Finally, it’s the big football game.

For me, it’s a toss up. Badger buddies on both teams.

Perhaps even more impressive than the commercials will be the singing of the national anthem. Replacing the MTV versions will be opera icon Renee Fleming.

Expecting her to sing with pride and poise, dressed suitably for the weather.

• Joan Arteberry is a longtime resident of St. Charles. Her columns are featured in the Kane County Chronicle’s Neighbors section every other Friday. Write to her at editorial@kcchronicle.com.

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